


a christmas carol

by laurenjauregui



Series: you make me sick (for being so perfect) drafts [15]
Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: Christmas, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 10:45:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17140343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurenjauregui/pseuds/laurenjauregui
Summary: When Camila is visited by the ghost of her best friend, she's shown Christmas past, present and future.





	a christmas carol

**Author's Note:**

> wasn't planning on this but got sudden inspiration from watching a christmas carol but happy christmas everyone

  1. **christmas eve**



Camila sighs, pulling the beanie down over her ears as she gets out of the cab, quickly thanking the driver. She squints as she runs through the snow, pulling her keys from her pocket as she runs to the door of her apartment building. She unlocks it, hands numb from the cold, and runs up the stairs to her floor, unlocking her door and slamming it shut behind her.

She sighs, and decides to tidy things up a little more, her heart aching at the idea that she has to spend Christmas alone. A flight to Miami was expensive and she and her parents agreed she should save her money and come back later on, so she can’t go home to see her family. They couldn’t come up to see her either, so she’s stuck in her shitty apartment, not knowing what to do. She’d _almost_ had plans, but they’d fallen apart when her relationship had.

Collapsing on her couch, Camila grabs the TV remote and switches it on, along with the lamp just to her left. She looks over at the corner where the Christmas tree should’ve gone, but she hadn’t had the energy to put it up, and it’s not like she had any presents here, anyway. They were all in Miami, waiting for her to go home on the 27th; the only reason she can get back then is because it was the cheapest flight she could find.

She browses through the TV channels, and settles on an episode of _The Simpsons_ to pass the time, skipping over any Christmas movies she sees. She doesn’t want to think about the holiday this year. For Camila, Christmas isn’t happening this year. Relaxing, she closes her eyes and tries to empty her mind of all the Christmas displays she’d seen today, all of the festivities, and if she’s being honest, she doesn’t feel the magic anymore.

She doesn’t remember falling asleep, but the next thing she knows, her apartment door is creaking open, and she sits up in alarm. She _swears_ she’d locked it, and while she _should_ be jumping up and running to slam the door on whoever is opening it, she freezes, staring in horror as it pushes open.

Rooted to the spot, Camila watches as a young woman walks through the door, so graceful that she practically glides, and for a second, she feels relief. Maybe she’d just gotten the wrong apartment. “Um, I think you’ve got the wrong— _Dinah_?”

The woman meets her gaze, and that’s when Camila knows this is very, _very_ wrong. It’s Dinah Jane Hansen, Camila’s childhood best friend, and _that_ in itself isn’t the problem. The _problem_ is that Dinah Jane Hansen is dead.

Dinah had died last year on a drunken night out, when a stranger had attacked her, and Camila had been empty ever since. She blinks, trying to make the figure in front of her disappear, because that _can’t_ be Dinah, she _can’t_ be here. It’s physically impossible.

“Mila,” Dinah addresses her with a grin, flopping down next to her on the couch. Camila scrambles to get away and falls flat on her ass, hitting the ground with a _thud_. “Missed me?”

“I- _what_? But you’re--” Camila stammers, eyes wide and heart hammering against her chest, “you’re _dead_.”

“Yeah,” Dinah casually replies, grabbing a little wrapped candy from the bowl Camila keeps on the coffee table. “Anyway, try not to freak out, but hey. I’m here to help you.”

“This isn’t real,” Camila mumbles, “it’s not real, and I’ve fallen asleep, and I’m dreaming, and you’re _not_ here.”

“Damn, not happy to see me, then. Should I have sent a card?” Dinah teases her, and Camila’s heart aches, because she’d missed her so much, but this _can’t_ be real. “Doesn’t look like you’ve been sent any. Anyway, you’re not acting like yourself, and that’s why I’m here.”

“I- I’m _fine_ , and that’s none of your business,” Camila stammers, affronted, and decides that this is just a dream, obviously, so she needs to figure out how to snap herself out of it. “So- so, if you _are_ real, then… prove it to me. Tell me something nobody else knows about me.”

“You’re the one who lost your mom’s favourite earrings, but you managed to convince everyone that Thunder ate them,” Dinah says, “and there was that one time in first grade where you peed your pants from laughing too hard and I gave you my spares to save you from the embarrassment.”

“Dinah, oh my god,” Camila stutters, overwhelmed with the need to hug her. “It’s you.”

As if Dinah had read her mind, she smiles sadly. “You can’t koala hug me. I’m just a projection.”

“A projection for _what_?” Camila asks, and finally decides to sit down on the couch next to her, still a little wary. “Why are you here?”

“I told you, you’re not yourself. You’re the most festive person I know, and yet you’re sat here on Christmas Eve, completely alone and with no plans.” Dinah says. “What happened?”

“If you’re so knowledgeable and other worldly, surely you _know_ ,” Camila mumbles, “ _she_ happened.”

“Exactly, but it wasn’t supposed to fall apart,” Dinah says, sighing, “you know that Lauren was the only girl you ever dated that I actually _liked_ , right? And that was for a reason. She was meant for you. She’s your person, and somehow, that all fell apart and it’s made you this… this _Grinch._ ”

“Well, yeah, being heartbroken will do that to you,” Camila answers bitterly. “It’s not my fault that she’s stubborn.”

“You said something that upset her and won’t apologise. I think that makes _you_ the stubborn one.” Dinah sends her a knowing grin. “I’m here to fix it. To show you that you should put your pride away and apologise to your soulmate.”

“She’s _not_ my soulmate, and I don’t want to be with her anymore,” Camila mutters, not believing the words coming out of her mouth, “Just because I didn’t want to spend Christmas this year around her family, and tried to tell her how mean her mother is _to her_ , she went and broke my heart. That’s it.”

Dinah just sighs, and mutters something under her breath that Camila doesn’t hear. “Well, I’m here to make you see differently. So, tonight, you’ll see the echoes of Christmas past, present, and future. After you see what you had, what you lost, and what might become of it all, maybe you’ll change your mind.”

Camila frowns, “I don’t get what you’re talking about.”

“You will in a second,” Dinah smiles knowingly, and there’s a flash of white light, and all she hears is, “Good luck. I’ll be watching over you.”

  1. **christmas past**



“I don’t understand why people kiss under mistletoe. Like, why mistletoe specifically?”

The words hit Camila gradually, and she blinks in surprise, the white light in her eyes fading away to reveal a woman she hasn’t seen for months. “Lauren?”

“Well, yes, who else would I be?” Lauren frowns, fingers drumming against the back of Camila’s hand as she leads her through the aisles of the grocery store. “Will you answer my question, please?”

Camila takes in her surroundings; it’s their closest Walmart, and they’re shopping for food. It’s early; she can tell that by how tired she is, and she remembers this. This has all happened before, _last_ Christmas, in 2017, when she and Lauren were two years into their relationship.

She stares at the older girl again, taking her in, looking at those bright green eyes that keep glancing at different things, never in the same place for too long, the flawless pale skin, the sweet smile as she browses through the packages of potatoes. “You’re so beautiful.”

“That wasn’t an answer, Camz,” Lauren laughs lightly, putting a sack of potatoes into their cart. “Why do people kiss under mistletoe? Why _only_ mistletoe? Why not… holly. Or something.”

“I don’t know, I’m not a mistletoe expert,” Camila answers, still dazed by the sudden change in surroundings. She wonders for a moment if this is all just a vivid dream, or if it’s real, if _Dinah_ was real… “Shouldn’t you be the one to know the answer? You _do_ have a 5.0 GPA after all.”

Lauren smiles, rocking on her heels. “Yes. I’m smart. But I don’t know much about mistletoe. Will you look it up with me later?”

Feeling more confident in herself, Camila smiles. “Why? Do you want to kiss me? Because you know you can do that any time.”

Lauren hums, blushes lightly, and changes the subject. “I need seasoning for the turkey. I’m grateful that my papi wrote me a list of things to get.”

Camila looks at Lauren, her stomach flipping, and she hadn’t realised how much she’d _missed_ this in all of her stubbornness. “Yeah, me too. Thanks for inviting me shopping. I didn’t… I didn’t think I’d get to see you today.”

“Yes.” Lauren hums, turning to fix her with a soft smile. “I am grateful that I get to see you today, too. Will you come back to my house with me for a little while? We can watch _The Lion King_.”

“Not very festive, but sure,” Camila relents, because she misses hearing that question, something she never thought she’d say after the one million _Lion King_ showcases she’d had to sit through. “As long as your mom is okay with it. I know she doesn’t really like me.”

She curses herself for bringing it up; it’s the fight that broke them. When Lauren had asked if she wanted to spend Christmas at the Jauregui residence this year, way back in September, because she’s nothing if not prepared, Camila had laughed, thinking it was a joke, and said, “Yeah, like your mom would be okay with that.”

Lauren had frowned, not understanding. “Well, I asked if I could invite you, and both of my parents said yes. Why wouldn’t my mami like you? She’s nice.”

“She’s not even nice to _you_ ,” Camila had answered, thinking back to the first time she’d met Clara, and how condescending she was to Lauren. She’d thought it was just an awkward first meeting, but she’s always the same way, talking down to her daughter, even though she’s the smartest person Camila had ever met. “So, no, I think I’ll go be with my own family.”

Lauren had argued, and after a fight that had lasted forever, she’d muttered something about not caring, and then broken up with Camila then and there. Camila hadn’t seen her since, not even when she’d gone back to the apartment they’d shared to get her things.

“I invited you, not her,” Lauren points out, “but she does like you, she’s nice to you.”

Camila keeps her mouth shut, and swings Lauren’s hand as they walk down the aisles of the grocery store, thinking about how they fit together perfectly. She wonders how she never noticed that before.

As Lauren browses a shelf for the seasoning she needs, Camila bumps into someone, and spins around to see Dinah. “You’re here.”

“Miss her yet?” Dinah asks, and Camila bites down on her bottom lip, not ready to admit it. “Okay. Let’s try something else.”

There’s that same flash again, and this time, Camila finds herself back in New York. She finds her phone in her pocket, and checks the date. 2015. It’s December, the last week of college, and that’s when she realises what day it is. She looks around frantically, hearing the faint sound of the music from the club her friends had dragged her to, and she waits for the woman she’s expecting.

She remembers the way they’d met, and she tries to make herself look sad; she’d been crying outside because a woman she’d tried hitting on had rejected her, and Camila had never really known how to take it when she got rejected.

“Are you okay?”

At the words her heart leaps, and Camila rubs her arms, shivering in the New York cold. “Um, yeah. I’m-… I’m alright.”

Lauren frowns at her, tilting her head to the side. She looks so cute, bundled up in her big winter coat, scarf and beanie, and Camila’s heart aches for her. “Are you sure? Because most people don’t cry when they’re not upset. Unless they’re happy tears. I never really know.”

“I… yeah. Just cold.” Camila answers, the words coming from memory. “Thank you for asking, though.”

Lauren examines her, before she shrugs off her coat and wraps it around Camila’s shoulders. “You need this, because you’re only in a little dress, and that’s not very practical for this weather. You could- um, _catch your death_. That’s what my papi says, though I don’t really know what it means, because death is not a tangible thing, you can’t catch it.”

“Thank you,” Camila is surrounded by Lauren’s scent as she pulls the coat around herself, “can I get your number? So, you know, I can return your coat to you.”

“Yes, you may,” Lauren answers, holding out her hand, and Camila offers up her phone, letting her type it out. “I have my number memorised. I like strings of numbers. Anyway, I’m going to go home now. Goodbye.”

At the abrupt goodbye, Camila’s heart soars, because she’d missed all of Lauren’s little eccentricities. “Hey! What’s your name?”

Lauren spins on her heel and sends her a shy smile. “Lauren.”

As she walks away, her boots leaving tracks in the freshly fallen snow, Dinah walks out of the nightclub. She looks at Camila like she knows what she’s feeling, and she probably _does_. The scene dissolves with another flash of white, and suddenly, she’s back in her apartment.

  1. **christmas present**



She hadn’t realised she was crying. “Why are you showing me all of this?”

“To make you see,” Dinah replies, and even though she can’t hug her, Camila feels her warmth and sincerity. “Let’s go see what she’s doing now, shall we?”

There’s a flash of white again, and before Camila knows what’s happening, she’s standing in the Jauregui’s lounge, in Miami. She goes to check the date on her phone, but Dinah stops her. “Don’t worry. It’s exactly the same time, to the second, that it is for you in New York. 24th December 2018.”

When she hears the footsteps coming towards the door, Camila goes to hide, but Dinah grabs her and pulls her back. “They can’t see or hear us.”

Camila frowns up at Dinah, who smiles reassuringly, and she opens her mouth to ask _how_ , but Lauren walks into the lounge, carrying a bowl of popcorn. She places it on the coffee table, and Camila’s heart breaks all over again to see that she looks _fine_ , like their breakup hadn’t affected her at all. _It’s been months,_ Camila reminds herself, _maybe she’s moved on._

She approaches her, and for a second, Lauren freezes on her way out of the lounge, like she can sense that she’s there. She turns, and that’s when Camila sees it. Her eyes, those beautiful emeralds that usually shine brighter than the stars, are dull and grey and glassy.

“Perk up, Lo,” Chris says as he passes her, sitting down on the couch and grabbing the TV remote. “It’s Christmas. Aren’t you excited for dinner later?”

Lauren looks down at her feet, fingers tapping against her thighs, and Camila knows that means she’s upset. “I just… I wanted Camila to be here.”

The words make the breath catch in Camila’s throat, and she wants nothing more than to pull Lauren in for a hug, to kiss her, to reassure her that she’s _here_ , she’s right here, but there’s nothing she can do. She sighs, mumbling, “I _am_ here, Lolo lion,” but it falls on deaf ears.

“Yeah, but she’s not, because you broke up, and there’s plenty of other fish in the sea,” Chris points out, and Camila wants to strangle him. “You know that mami never liked her.”

“Mami…” Lauren sighs and rocks on her heels, “she doesn’t like it when I date women, does she?”

Frowning, Chris looks over at her, and when he sees how sad Lauren looks, he smiles sympathetically. “I don’t think so. But it’s not… it’s not like she kicked you out, right?”

“No, I guess not,” Lauren murmurs, before she pushes the lounge door closed and crosses over to the couch. Camila follows close behind her, and she almost doesn’t hear the whispered words. “I know I can’t read body language, but it doesn’t feel like mami is any happier with me. And- and I broke up with Camila for her, because I thought she was lying to me about mami not liking her, and now she hates me.”

Chris looks up at her, and Camila is worried that he _sees_ her, but instead, he sighs and says, “I don’t know, Lauren. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Lauren finally replies, wiping away a few stray tears with the back of her hand. “I am going to go and help papi prepare the vegetables, once I’ve called Normani and Ally and wished them a merry Christmas. And I’ll call Alexa, too, but she’s in Miami, and I saw her yesterday, so that might be a little redundant.”

“Alright, Lo,” Chris answers. “See you at dinner.”

Camila goes to follow Lauren out of the room, but as Lauren leaves, Camila’s vision fades to white and she’s back in her apartment again. She whirls around on Dinah with a glare. “Okay, I get it, she misses me, I miss her, but even _she_ admitted that I’m right. You saw it, right there. I’m not apologising.”

“She thinks you’re mad at her,” Dinah points out, “she’ll be too scared to reach out.”

Knowing that Dinah is right, but hating her for it, Camila snaps, stomping across the room to her bedroom door. “I don’t care anymore. I’m not apologising for something I didn’t even _do_ _wrong_.”

When she looks at Dinah, she’s still smiling. “Have it your way, then.”

Huffing in anger, Camila whirls around and pulls open her bedroom door, slamming it behind her to make a point, but it’s too late when she realises she’s not in her bedroom. She’s somewhere else entirely.

  1. **christmas future**



The street is cold, and dark. It’s vaguely familiar, and after a few moments, she realises that she’s not far off from her apartment, and thinks Dinah just found it amusing to displace her. “Dinah? Dinah, this isn’t funny.”

She’s met with silence, and she lets out an irritated huff, mumbling, “You always did know how to push my buttons, bitch.”

She sighs, starting the silent trek back to her place, shivering slightly in the cold. She passes by a club, but doesn’t see anyone she knows, and doesn’t bother stopping to look around, but when she comes to the corner she’s supposed to turn to get to her apartment, she keeps walking. There’s this weird emptiness in her chest, a lack of fulfilment that’s driving her a little crazy. It’s like a constant hunger, but everything else within her is numb, uncaring of the rest of the body’s needs.

She walks on, something else telling her where to go, and she stops dead in her tracks when she comes to her destination. It’s a restaurant, and Camila knows it. It was the place she’d taken Lauren on their first date.

“A restaurant?” Lauren had asked, cautious as Camila came to a stop in front of it. “Um… okay.”

“It’s not loud,” Camila quickly assured her, squeezing her hand comfortingly. “And- and there’s an upstairs part that’s even quieter than the main bit, and when I called up to book a table, I asked the lady to put us there. I know that your autism makes it hard for you to be in loud places and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

Lauren blinked in surprise, and when her eyes started to well with tears, Camila had hurriedly tried to comfort her, promising that they could go somewhere else. “No, no, it’s… nobody has ever thought to do something like that, and it makes my heart really happy. I think you are a very special person, Camila.”

“Oh,” Camila had taken the words in, and her stomach flipped, “well… I think you’re pretty special, too.”

She smiles at the memory, and she catches her reflection in the restaurant window. She’s older, tired, and that’s when she remembers what Dinah had said. _Past, present, and future_. Her stomach drops, and when she takes a closer look at the restaurant window, her reflection melts away and the restaurant itself comes into view.

Lauren.

She’s the first thing Camila notices in the room, and the second thing she notices makes her feel sick to her stomach. Another woman is across from her, smiling and laughing, and if Camila hadn’t already felt sick enough, she wants to vomit when Lauren drops down onto one knee and proposes to the woman right there.

She runs away from the restaurant, but the image doesn’t leave her. All she can see is Lauren proposing, Lauren proposing, Lauren _proposing_ , and she’s so dizzy and nauseated that she doesn’t even realise when she’s back in her apartment. She passes out on the bed, sick and empty and numb, tears rolling down her cheeks.

  1. **christmas day**



She sits bolt upright, and takes frantic glances around the room for Dinah, for _something_ , for any sign that last night hadn’t been a dream. She chokes on a sob as she stands up, running over to her window and throwing her curtains open, squinting at the bright sunlight of the new day. Christmas.

It had to have been a dream, right? There’s no way that Dinah would’ve shown up and taken her through all of that. It’s impossible, and Camila won’t accept it. She’d just fallen asleep on the couch and had a vivid dream.

 _If you’d fallen asleep on the couch, why’d you wake up in your bed_?

The thought strikes her, and Camila’s eyes widen so much that they practically pop out of her skull. She’s trying to deny it, but even if it _was_ a dream, maybe there’s some truth to it. Her brain runs through the night’s events at a million miles per hour, and that’s when it hits her.

 _Lauren, in that restaurant, getting down on one knee and proposing to someone that isn’t me_.

In an instant, she knows what she has to do. She stands up, throwing some things into a backpack, hastily brushing her teeth and spraying some deodorant, and ordering an Uber to the airport. She easily books the next flight through her phone, using her emergency debit card and dreading her parents’ wrath, and bolts out of the front door, still in her clothes from the night before. She vows to change as soon as she reaches Miami, and she races through the airport, collapsing in a seat on the airplane.

She knows she can’t make the captain speed, so she tries to stay calm, but she’s jittery the entire flight, and once they land, she runs through the arrivals gate, not needing to collect any baggage as she’d stuffed everything into a carry on.

She orders a taxi to Lauren’s house, and wishes she could pay him extra so he’d drive just outside of the law, but she gets there soon enough and bolts up the driveway, hammering on the door with both hands and pressing the doorbell at regular intervals until it swings open.

She meets the bright green eyes that she fell in love with, and Lauren blinks in surprise, almost as if she thinks she’s hallucinating. “I- _Camila_?”

“I’m sorry,” Camila blurts out, trying to catch her breath from her rushed travels. “I shouldn’t have said all that stuff, and I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m so, _so_ sorry, Lolo lion.”

Lauren’s face sinks into a frown, and Camila’s heart stops. It was just a dream, and Lauren doesn’t want her back. Lauren has moved on. Camila feels like such an idiot, because why _wouldn’t_ it have been a dream, how stupid could someone be—

“I’m sorry too,” Lauren answers, rocking on her heels, a sure sign of anxiety. “I should not have gotten mad. You were just saying how you felt, and… and I know you were right. I just- I can’t believe you’re here. I was… I was thinking about you yesterday, and- oh, we’re still stood on the doorstep, would you like to come in?”

Letting out a laugh that’s a mixture of relief and happiness, Camila nods. “Yeah, I’d like to come in.”

Lauren smiles, and steps aside to let her in, shutting the door and announcing, “anyway, yes, I was thinking about you yesterday. I am glad you are here, and… um, are we…”

“Will you take me back?” Camila asks, pleading. “I’ve missed you so much, and I know that… I know I was stubborn and stupid, but you’re my person. I love you, Lauren.”

“I love you too, Camz. Yes.” Lauren smiles, and Camila hadn’t realised just how much she’d missed those words. “Oh, just for your information, we are standing under some mistletoe. My brother put it up to trick people when they walk into the house, but I think it’s rather fitting in this situation. By societal standards and conventions, we should kiss.”

Camila pulls her in, hands on her waist, and she hadn’t realised just how perfectly they fit, how amazingly they _work_ until she’s kissing her again. Her stomach is alive with butterflies, and as Lauren’s fingers trace her jawline, Camila knows she’s had a craving for her touch since they’d broken up, and it’s finally being satisfied.

When Lauren pulls away from her, Camila’s hand stays on her waist, holding her there, making sure she’s really _real_. “I missed that so much.”

“Yes, me too, that was thoroughly enjoyable,” Lauren beams, tugging her by the hand and leading her towards the kitchen, “anyway, can I tell you all the new lion facts I have learned since we broke up? There are so many interesting ones, like, did you know that…”

As Lauren talks about her lions and offers her leftovers from yesterday’s Christmas dinner, Camila watches her lovingly. Thinking about the night she’s had, she smiles gratefully, and murmurs, “thank you, Dinah,” hoping she’s there, just out of sight, and hoping she’s happy.


End file.
